This is the first in a series of brain dumps. I don’t know yet how often they will manifest or what their purpose is. Perhaps they will serve as anecdotes for the future Spielbergs that will eventually picturize my memoirs. Maybe, for those of you that already suppose I think too highly of myself, they will only further that notion. Or maybe, for those of you who find yourselves in a place similar to me, they will convey a message. (And if they do, please let me know what it was!) I do not strive to be sermonic, I simply intend to record these introspections with no motive other than self expression.
Every hero has an origin story. Not to say that I am a hero – but in the story of my life, I am obviously the protagonist. ‘Origin Story’ may be a working title, since I am not beginning this anecdote from my birth nor from a radioactive spider bite, but nevertheless this is how a part of my life originated.
I studied Computer Science in college, and found myself lucky enough to be granted the opportunity to intern at Microsoft after my first year. I loved the experience so much that I accepted an offer to return the following summer on the spot. Another important point to note is that I graduated in three years instead of four (more on why in a following post) which means that as a “rising senior,” I actually had one less year of experience than my peers. And as anyone who has suffered can tell you, one year of an engineering degree is an eternity.
About halfway through my second internship, I had a performance review with my manager. I was expecting to hear some good things along with some constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t prepared for what ensued…
My manager proceeded to – as predicted – list some positive qualities about me. Then he shifted to the inevitable “what you can work on” portion. He told me that I lacked a deep understanding of back-end programming (I totally agree) and when I didn’t know something, I tended to ask questions…
This is the part that got me:
He then shifted to a falsetto to mimic my feminine voice asking questions in a shrill manner. “I don’t really understand…”
I don’t know. When I type this, it seems trivial. But at the time, I remember my face getting hot, my eyes beginning to water, and my lips pressing together to keep from quivering. It really does seem silly when I recount that experience, and my involuntary reaction to his words read a little excessive. But I don’t know. I just got a nasty feeling from that exchange. Like even if I were to come back full time, he wouldn’t want me on his team. And I don’t think I’d want to be there either.
I could have retorted that I had a year less experience than what he expected me to have, that’s why I lacked understanding!
I could have quipped that interns are encouraged to ask questions, and it was unfair of him to chastise me for doing so!
But I didn’t. I kept my lips pressed together and nodded my head in agreement the same way I’d done all my life when being reprimanded.
So, I began shopping within Microsoft for other teams. I made a list of products I’d be interested in working on and started emailing anyone who’d reply. I met with every single team on my list in the next few weeks, to be given the same answer over and over: “We’d love to have you on our team! Unfortunately, we don’t have visibility into our headcount for the following fiscal year. But we can let you know in a few months!” I didn’t have the luxury of a few months. Time was ticking and I knew I couldn’t rely on my current manager to give me a ‘re-hire.’ I needed to find a team who’d have me.
There was one team, however, that I hadn’t approached. It was because I hadn’t even written it down. Hololens. It was the most coveted team to be on at the time. The nascent technology of mixed reality was an exciting place to be. But we had been told countless times by our recruiters that it’s just not possible for early-in-careers to land positions there. Suddenly, I remembered that I had a contact – pretty high up and extremely prominent – so I reached out to her in hopes that she would remember me from our brief interaction the previous summer. Starry-eyed and feeling like I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I sent her an email asking to grab a cup of coffee with me. She was a huge advocate of the underrepresented in tech. I had been following her journey for the past year, and she was somewhat of an icon to girls like me. I was sure that she’d be willing to point me in the right direction.
She replied. “Sorry! I’m extremely busy for the next several weeks!”
I don’t know. Maybe I’m one of those classic entitled millennials they warn you about. The same ones that spend all their money on avocado toasts and can’t afford to buy houses. But I really thought that the woman who stood for everything she did, claimed everything she did, would surely find fifteen to thirty minutes to chat with someone she allegedly supported.
I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She is truly a busy woman. When I get to her level, I probably won’t have time to grab an iced latte with interns either.
But more than likely I will. Due mostly (entirely) to this experience. And the one that followed:
Head hung low, I continued on with the rest of my summer, still trying to find ways to save myself from the uncertainty that was my manager. All female interns received an invitation to attend an event at which several iconic women at Microsoft would speak and answer questions. Including too-busy-for-a-cup-of-coffee-lady. (I’m not petty.) (Okay, maybe a little bit.)
At the event, I watched coffee-lady speak. She gave a pretty empowering talk about how to get what you want, and even included some actionable advice. Then came time for her question-answer session. An extremely timid girl walked up to the mic. You could tell this girl didn’t speak in public often, and the act of asking a question in a room of a couple hundred people turned her pale. She shakily asked how someone like us could join the Hololens team.
Coffee-lady’s response: “You’re not ready. Until you’ve made x number of apps for Hololens on your own, etc. etc., don’t even think about it.” (I paraphrase, but the spirit of the response is accurate.) The girl walked back to her chair with a defeated look on her face.
I was enraged. How dare coffee-lady go on and on about empowerment and doing anything you want and then absolutely shut down this girl who wanted nothing more than support? Again, I don’t know. Maybe I was being a bit too extreme. But I felt what I felt, and I won’t apologize for it, because it led me to do the following:
As soon as I got back to my desk, I pulled up the company directory and typed the word “Hololens” into the search bar. I clicked on the first name and sent them an email, asking to chat. They replied almost immediately, saying that they’d love to. (I can be pretty fueled by negative stimuli, which sometimes works in my favor.) I met with him, and after a long conversation, he told me that he didn’t have the ability to hire people, but he could introduce me to the manager who did. I eagerly agreed. His manager was a woman in a position higher than coffee-lady, on her last day in the office before an extended vacation. Even though she probably had a million loose ends to tie before she took off, she took the time to chat with me on the brief walk out the building.
Five minutes.
That’s all it really took to have an introductory conversation and set up a follow-up interview.
This woman not only talked the talk, but was able to walk the proverbial walk. She made the effort on her end to stick her neck out for someone like me. She saw something in me and was willing to take time out of her busy schedule, if only five minutes, to learn more. That’s all I needed.
One thing led to another, and I landed a position as Program Manager on the Hololens team.
I did it.
I did what the recruiters said was impossible and what coffee-lady said people like me weren’t ready for. A lot of what I’ve accomplished in my life started out as a quest to prove someone wrong. Maybe this is a story about resilience. About how I developed a skill no one teaches in school. About how I went from nearly crying in front of my manager to earning a job on a dream team on my own merit. About how I took an opportunity that filled me with a myriad of negative emotions and flipped it in my favor.
Even though she left Hololens before I started full-time, whether coffee-lady ever learns that I made it onto the team or what an impact she’s had on my journey, it doesn’t matter. I’m happy. And, if you happen to be reading this, coffee-lady, I want to tell you one thing:
Thank you.
As for my manager, well, he didn’t want me back on his team. Just as I expected. But he was gracious enough to ask the recruiters to find another team for me within the company. When he learned that I had gotten myself a spot on Hololens, he turned tomato red (but that’s an irrelevant detail recounted only for my benefit).
After that summer, I vowed never to forget what I felt in that performance review and in that question-answer session. I promised myself that in the future, if any intern or prospective employee ever asked for my help or advice, I wouldn’t refuse, no matter how busy I was. There’s always time for a cup of coffee.
Microsoft is a fantastic place that promotes inclusion and strives to empower everyone. But every rose has its thorns. You just have to snip them off and enjoy the fragrance.
Every hero has an origin story. Not to say that I am a hero – but in the story of my life, I am obviously the protagonist. ‘Origin Story’ may be a working title, since I am not beginning this anecdote from my birth nor from a radioactive spider bite, but nevertheless this is how a part of my life originated.
I studied Computer Science in college, and found myself lucky enough to be granted the opportunity to intern at Microsoft after my first year. I loved the experience so much that I accepted an offer to return the following summer on the spot. Another important point to note is that I graduated in three years instead of four (more on why in a following post) which means that as a “rising senior,” I actually had one less year of experience than my peers. And as anyone who has suffered can tell you, one year of an engineering degree is an eternity.
About halfway through my second internship, I had a performance review with my manager. I was expecting to hear some good things along with some constructive criticism, but I just wasn’t prepared for what ensued…
My manager proceeded to – as predicted – list some positive qualities about me. Then he shifted to the inevitable “what you can work on” portion. He told me that I lacked a deep understanding of back-end programming (I totally agree) and when I didn’t know something, I tended to ask questions…
This is the part that got me:
He then shifted to a falsetto to mimic my feminine voice asking questions in a shrill manner. “I don’t really understand…”
I don’t know. When I type this, it seems trivial. But at the time, I remember my face getting hot, my eyes beginning to water, and my lips pressing together to keep from quivering. It really does seem silly when I recount that experience, and my involuntary reaction to his words read a little excessive. But I don’t know. I just got a nasty feeling from that exchange. Like even if I were to come back full time, he wouldn’t want me on his team. And I don’t think I’d want to be there either.
I could have retorted that I had a year less experience than what he expected me to have, that’s why I lacked understanding!
I could have quipped that interns are encouraged to ask questions, and it was unfair of him to chastise me for doing so!
But I didn’t. I kept my lips pressed together and nodded my head in agreement the same way I’d done all my life when being reprimanded.
So, I began shopping within Microsoft for other teams. I made a list of products I’d be interested in working on and started emailing anyone who’d reply. I met with every single team on my list in the next few weeks, to be given the same answer over and over: “We’d love to have you on our team! Unfortunately, we don’t have visibility into our headcount for the following fiscal year. But we can let you know in a few months!” I didn’t have the luxury of a few months. Time was ticking and I knew I couldn’t rely on my current manager to give me a ‘re-hire.’ I needed to find a team who’d have me.
There was one team, however, that I hadn’t approached. It was because I hadn’t even written it down. Hololens. It was the most coveted team to be on at the time. The nascent technology of mixed reality was an exciting place to be. But we had been told countless times by our recruiters that it’s just not possible for early-in-careers to land positions there. Suddenly, I remembered that I had a contact – pretty high up and extremely prominent – so I reached out to her in hopes that she would remember me from our brief interaction the previous summer. Starry-eyed and feeling like I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I sent her an email asking to grab a cup of coffee with me. She was a huge advocate of the underrepresented in tech. I had been following her journey for the past year, and she was somewhat of an icon to girls like me. I was sure that she’d be willing to point me in the right direction.
She replied. “Sorry! I’m extremely busy for the next several weeks!”
I don’t know. Maybe I’m one of those classic entitled millennials they warn you about. The same ones that spend all their money on avocado toasts and can’t afford to buy houses. But I really thought that the woman who stood for everything she did, claimed everything she did, would surely find fifteen to thirty minutes to chat with someone she allegedly supported.
I should give her the benefit of the doubt. She is truly a busy woman. When I get to her level, I probably won’t have time to grab an iced latte with interns either.
But more than likely I will. Due mostly (entirely) to this experience. And the one that followed:
Head hung low, I continued on with the rest of my summer, still trying to find ways to save myself from the uncertainty that was my manager. All female interns received an invitation to attend an event at which several iconic women at Microsoft would speak and answer questions. Including too-busy-for-a-cup-of-coffee-lady. (I’m not petty.) (Okay, maybe a little bit.)
At the event, I watched coffee-lady speak. She gave a pretty empowering talk about how to get what you want, and even included some actionable advice. Then came time for her question-answer session. An extremely timid girl walked up to the mic. You could tell this girl didn’t speak in public often, and the act of asking a question in a room of a couple hundred people turned her pale. She shakily asked how someone like us could join the Hololens team.
Coffee-lady’s response: “You’re not ready. Until you’ve made x number of apps for Hololens on your own, etc. etc., don’t even think about it.” (I paraphrase, but the spirit of the response is accurate.) The girl walked back to her chair with a defeated look on her face.
I was enraged. How dare coffee-lady go on and on about empowerment and doing anything you want and then absolutely shut down this girl who wanted nothing more than support? Again, I don’t know. Maybe I was being a bit too extreme. But I felt what I felt, and I won’t apologize for it, because it led me to do the following:
As soon as I got back to my desk, I pulled up the company directory and typed the word “Hololens” into the search bar. I clicked on the first name and sent them an email, asking to chat. They replied almost immediately, saying that they’d love to. (I can be pretty fueled by negative stimuli, which sometimes works in my favor.) I met with him, and after a long conversation, he told me that he didn’t have the ability to hire people, but he could introduce me to the manager who did. I eagerly agreed. His manager was a woman in a position higher than coffee-lady, on her last day in the office before an extended vacation. Even though she probably had a million loose ends to tie before she took off, she took the time to chat with me on the brief walk out the building.
Five minutes.
That’s all it really took to have an introductory conversation and set up a follow-up interview.
This woman not only talked the talk, but was able to walk the proverbial walk. She made the effort on her end to stick her neck out for someone like me. She saw something in me and was willing to take time out of her busy schedule, if only five minutes, to learn more. That’s all I needed.
One thing led to another, and I landed a position as Program Manager on the Hololens team.
I did it.
I did what the recruiters said was impossible and what coffee-lady said people like me weren’t ready for. A lot of what I’ve accomplished in my life started out as a quest to prove someone wrong. Maybe this is a story about resilience. About how I developed a skill no one teaches in school. About how I went from nearly crying in front of my manager to earning a job on a dream team on my own merit. About how I took an opportunity that filled me with a myriad of negative emotions and flipped it in my favor.
Even though she left Hololens before I started full-time, whether coffee-lady ever learns that I made it onto the team or what an impact she’s had on my journey, it doesn’t matter. I’m happy. And, if you happen to be reading this, coffee-lady, I want to tell you one thing:
Thank you.
As for my manager, well, he didn’t want me back on his team. Just as I expected. But he was gracious enough to ask the recruiters to find another team for me within the company. When he learned that I had gotten myself a spot on Hololens, he turned tomato red (but that’s an irrelevant detail recounted only for my benefit).
After that summer, I vowed never to forget what I felt in that performance review and in that question-answer session. I promised myself that in the future, if any intern or prospective employee ever asked for my help or advice, I wouldn’t refuse, no matter how busy I was. There’s always time for a cup of coffee.
Microsoft is a fantastic place that promotes inclusion and strives to empower everyone. But every rose has its thorns. You just have to snip them off and enjoy the fragrance.
I think a lot of us harbor this sense of impenetrability - of invincibility. We hear stories of workplace harassment and mistreatment of women all the time, but unless it's happened to us, it's always someone else's story. We think, "not me, not my manager, not my team..."
A few months ago I had an incident with a manager on my team. To clarify, this man was not my manager, we were not part of the same reporting structure. He has had a notorious history of being rude, abrasive, rubbing people the wrong way, speaking to them inappropriately, all the things you hear about that are wrong with men in the tech world. I was in charge of all legal and compliance related work for our product, and as part of that, had created and published our timeline for accomplishing said work. A good PM is taught to always remain conservative with their estimates, which is what i had done to ensure that we don't miss any deadlines. This timeline was posted publicly on our group's Teams channel, where said manager replied with a comment, asking if i could change the date on our timeline to reflect a later release date. I politely responded that I can do so as soon as we have confirmation that we are indeed releasing our product at a later date. "Consider it confirmed," he retorted. I had heard from my manager, the owner of the product, just that morning, that our release date was yet to be confirmed. So I pushed back and said I'd confer with the product owners. That manager again replied, asking me to "make this change effective immediately." Once more, I held my ground, saying that I am remaining conservative with our release date in order to protect our product and will do my due diligence to ensure that we have covered all necessary compliance work. At this point, the manager switched from replying publicly to me on the channel and sent me a private message. He claimed my actions were a "disservice to the team and the leadership." He also went so far as to claim that my role as PM is in support of his management, and to let him know if I was not comfortable working under the guidance of his leadership. Knowing this man's history and nature, I was stopped in my tracks. Everything he said was inaccurate - I am not "in service" to him, I do not report to him. But still, he probably had the power to get me kicked off the team. My entire body was frozen, thinking about the effects of this exchange on my career.
So I blew a whistle. I told my managers, who were extremely supportive. One sat and had a talk with him, reprimanding him for his behaviors. The other told me to escalate it to HR and upper-level management. This was around the time Microsoft's "In Need of Assistance" thread had gained media attention, and every leader from Satya and below was making a conscious effort to rid their orgs of any toxic behavior and oppressions of women. Every person I spoke to agreed that this was inappropriate behavior and should not go unnoticed. One thing led to another and we ended up in mediation with the leader of our org. By then, weeks had passed and he had had plenty of time to come up with a story to cover himself. He claimed that he only meant that he was worried that I was being pulled in too many directions and wanted to ask if that was making me uncomfortable. Bull. One day, I received an email from that man's manager. He was new on the team and seemed to mean well. He wanted to meet with me to hear my account firsthand, since he had only heard the story through others and wanted to learn how to best approach the situation. I happily obliged - I had no reason not to. Because wasn't this what I wanted? Recognition of the issue by his management and agreement to take action? I went for our 1:1, where I told him the whole story: how he had a history of being abrasive with other leaders on the team, how he had a habit of acting unilaterally, how he had publicly threatened the jobs of others on the team before. I expected his manager to say something, anything, besides what he actually replied with. "Well since you first noticed this behavior six months ago, why didn't you call him out on it?" Um, where do I begin? Because of lifelong experiences with male oppressors who have instilled in me a feeling of inferiority? Because of the impostor syndrome that makes me feel lucky enough to have the job that I earned and avoid ruffling feathers at any cost? Because I've barely been able to accumulate the strength to present my ideas to the team, let alone call out toxic masculine behavior? Because I'm early in career and still really have no idea what behavior is acceptable in the workplace? Because IT'S NOT MY JOB TO FIX MEN? I was stunned. I probably put together some meek combination of the early in career and introverted excuses. He replied, "you know everyone is going to treat you differently now that you've spoken out about this." And he didn't say this in a Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, let's find a way to make sure bad things don't happen again, friendly type of way either. No. For the remaining thirty minutes of our chat, he blasted off into a long tirade on victim blaming, why I was the problem, why it was my fault, how amazing that manager actually is, etc. etc. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough. It was obvious that this path was futile. I put my faith in the other members of leadership and HR to come to a solution.
HR never replied after our first meeting.
Leadership promoted the guy the following month.
I felt defeated. I still feel defeated. This experience left me jaded. I once believed I had found some corner of the tech world that was full of rainbows and unicorns and support. But perhaps no such corner exists. Perhaps I just need to keep looking. For now, I am happy just working for a direct manager who has my back, with co-workers that I enjoy getting lunch with, on a product that I believe in. And I guess that just has to be enough for now.
A few months ago I had an incident with a manager on my team. To clarify, this man was not my manager, we were not part of the same reporting structure. He has had a notorious history of being rude, abrasive, rubbing people the wrong way, speaking to them inappropriately, all the things you hear about that are wrong with men in the tech world. I was in charge of all legal and compliance related work for our product, and as part of that, had created and published our timeline for accomplishing said work. A good PM is taught to always remain conservative with their estimates, which is what i had done to ensure that we don't miss any deadlines. This timeline was posted publicly on our group's Teams channel, where said manager replied with a comment, asking if i could change the date on our timeline to reflect a later release date. I politely responded that I can do so as soon as we have confirmation that we are indeed releasing our product at a later date. "Consider it confirmed," he retorted. I had heard from my manager, the owner of the product, just that morning, that our release date was yet to be confirmed. So I pushed back and said I'd confer with the product owners. That manager again replied, asking me to "make this change effective immediately." Once more, I held my ground, saying that I am remaining conservative with our release date in order to protect our product and will do my due diligence to ensure that we have covered all necessary compliance work. At this point, the manager switched from replying publicly to me on the channel and sent me a private message. He claimed my actions were a "disservice to the team and the leadership." He also went so far as to claim that my role as PM is in support of his management, and to let him know if I was not comfortable working under the guidance of his leadership. Knowing this man's history and nature, I was stopped in my tracks. Everything he said was inaccurate - I am not "in service" to him, I do not report to him. But still, he probably had the power to get me kicked off the team. My entire body was frozen, thinking about the effects of this exchange on my career.
So I blew a whistle. I told my managers, who were extremely supportive. One sat and had a talk with him, reprimanding him for his behaviors. The other told me to escalate it to HR and upper-level management. This was around the time Microsoft's "In Need of Assistance" thread had gained media attention, and every leader from Satya and below was making a conscious effort to rid their orgs of any toxic behavior and oppressions of women. Every person I spoke to agreed that this was inappropriate behavior and should not go unnoticed. One thing led to another and we ended up in mediation with the leader of our org. By then, weeks had passed and he had had plenty of time to come up with a story to cover himself. He claimed that he only meant that he was worried that I was being pulled in too many directions and wanted to ask if that was making me uncomfortable. Bull. One day, I received an email from that man's manager. He was new on the team and seemed to mean well. He wanted to meet with me to hear my account firsthand, since he had only heard the story through others and wanted to learn how to best approach the situation. I happily obliged - I had no reason not to. Because wasn't this what I wanted? Recognition of the issue by his management and agreement to take action? I went for our 1:1, where I told him the whole story: how he had a history of being abrasive with other leaders on the team, how he had a habit of acting unilaterally, how he had publicly threatened the jobs of others on the team before. I expected his manager to say something, anything, besides what he actually replied with. "Well since you first noticed this behavior six months ago, why didn't you call him out on it?" Um, where do I begin? Because of lifelong experiences with male oppressors who have instilled in me a feeling of inferiority? Because of the impostor syndrome that makes me feel lucky enough to have the job that I earned and avoid ruffling feathers at any cost? Because I've barely been able to accumulate the strength to present my ideas to the team, let alone call out toxic masculine behavior? Because I'm early in career and still really have no idea what behavior is acceptable in the workplace? Because IT'S NOT MY JOB TO FIX MEN? I was stunned. I probably put together some meek combination of the early in career and introverted excuses. He replied, "you know everyone is going to treat you differently now that you've spoken out about this." And he didn't say this in a Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, let's find a way to make sure bad things don't happen again, friendly type of way either. No. For the remaining thirty minutes of our chat, he blasted off into a long tirade on victim blaming, why I was the problem, why it was my fault, how amazing that manager actually is, etc. etc. I couldn't get out of that room fast enough. It was obvious that this path was futile. I put my faith in the other members of leadership and HR to come to a solution.
HR never replied after our first meeting.
Leadership promoted the guy the following month.
I felt defeated. I still feel defeated. This experience left me jaded. I once believed I had found some corner of the tech world that was full of rainbows and unicorns and support. But perhaps no such corner exists. Perhaps I just need to keep looking. For now, I am happy just working for a direct manager who has my back, with co-workers that I enjoy getting lunch with, on a product that I believe in. And I guess that just has to be enough for now.
